If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment. LAWYER: Was that the same nose you broke as a child? Apparently, we have a lot to say about noses and nose picking. Kids say the darndest things, often to the surprise and confusion of their parents. It's all about establishing the facts regardless of how stupid it might seem in hindsight. The 5 Worst Things Judges Have Said About Scientology by Tony Ortega. While I doubt that all of these are exactly word-for-word true, this sort of thing does happen. The defendant herein is a truck, The vehicle is a pick-up, Alleged by a fed To be found in a bed Of marijuana, caught in the muck. Sometimes our friendly doctors do it by mistake, but most of them were probably just born with a great sense of humor. “I wasn’t talking to you” the judge replied. It’s only fair to give people the benefit of the doubt, at the very least. LAWYER: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? LAWYER: Have you lived in this town all your life? 1982), a case about fertilizer and tax deductions. 54. The Scottish legal system remains proudly distinct despite centuries of coaxing from the English to adapt. Charles M. Sevilla has compiled some of the funniest exchanges from justice halls between defendants and plaintiffs, lawyers and witnesses, juries and judges, and released a book of court records called Disorder in the Court. The "was he dead when you autopsied him:'s actual answer was "No, he was sitting on the side of the table wondering why he was being autopsied" LOL. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”. ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Getting laid. GORDON J: A big change of attitude. He was wearing a mask.LAWYER: What was he wearing under the mask?WITNESS: Er...his face. I even went to school for it. I need someone to record "My name is Susan!" WITNESS: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? Some things are funny, some are random, but one of the absolute creepiest things they ever said was — … Jonathan Maes is a contributing writer at Shareably. Maybe there is. Error occurred when generating embed. Judge Joke 2. Although, the Second Amendment people. All rights reserved. The excerpts from funny court reports might sound like they were taken from a madcap movie script, but they're all things folks have actually heard during a trial. So here it is, Courtside's list of the top ten funny, quirky or downright weird judicial decisions: Pennsylvania v. Dunlap (US Supreme Court, 07-1486, 2008). ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? Daschel Hammet would have been proud. What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral…, Bwahahahaha if I was in this court room I would have been escorted out due to excessive laughter xD. Please provide your email address and we will send your password shortly. Scroll down to enjoy this priceless list and vote for your favorite entries! (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name! ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and said to the first one, “So how do you plead?” “Not guilty” said the second defendant. LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? do you have any children or elderly or any other humans in any state of development? 1. LAWYER: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? ATTORNEY: You forget? Witness: Yes. LAWYER: Do you drink when you're on duty? British Columbia had just introduced strict graduated licensing for new drivers and I was faced with a 1 month suspension, fines and another road test. See the funny things people said after waking up from anesthesia. We will not publish or share your email address in any way. 73 times forgetting something important proved hilariously tragic. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? Get the best of Bored Panda in your inbox. and make it my ringtone. The word you're looking for is 'attempted'. Please check link and try again. ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? I don’t know." LAWYER: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?WITNESS: Yes.LAWYER: And these stairs, did they go up also? LAWYER: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--. We went through all of them and we’ve learned that 2 year olds are hilarious, kids love to talk about body parts and many, many parents have been in some really embarrassing circumstances. ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ. ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? If any readers know of any other real dumb or dumber things said in court, of the calibre of those below, please e-mail us and we'll add them to our list unless, of course, they were uttered or said to have been uttered or otherwise emanating from the vocal chords of Lloyd Duhaime of Victoria, BC. – District Judge … The first time I went to traffic court to dispute a speeding ticket I was 18 years old or so. Here are 30 of the dumbest things people said in 2019: 1. LAWYER: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there. second in the Cornetto trilogy? But what if your lawyer is nothing like Saul Goodman and more like a babbling school girl? WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question. Let's keep in touch and we'll send more your way. Judge: "Is it true that you owe your neighbor a thousand dollars?" LAWYER: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--WITNESS: Thank you. Here are a few things that our Instagram readers found themselves saying at school that were…a little unexpected. So here we have picked up a few funny things to say to your boyfriend. On puppies: Weird children say weird stuff. this is... just so senseless...do they get paid by the amount words they are using? well... this was just playing smart... it is a legitimate question, as in, have you lived here since you were born? This is true in the case of nurses as well as doctors. LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? He is based out of Belgium and can be reached at hi@shareably.net. *creepy background music*. Your image is too large, maximum file size is 8 MB. You can read more about it and change your preferences. 'LAWYER: Did he kill you?WITNESS: No. Get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app! ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? LAWYER: What is your brother-in-law's name? See more ideas about judge judy, judge judy quotes, judy. 7. – Judge Goldberg in Schenk v. Commissioner, 686 F.2d 315 (5 th Cir. ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beardATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male. LAWYER: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? In any case, it makes for some pretty good comedy. Nobody would like to end up on the wrong side of the court hearing (or any side at all), because your life belongs solely to the decision of a judge and the work of your lawyer. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PMATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? LAWYER: How many times have you committed suicide?WITNESS: Four times. ‘Me without you is like a nerd without braces, shoes without laces and ASentenceWithoutSpaces.’ ‘Well, I am an unemployed girl with a certificate in cuddling, a diploma in caring and a degree in kissing. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? – Anton Chekhov. ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Despite the seriousness, courtroom drama and everything that happens in it, this place also produces hilarious (unintentional) comedy. While you were busy judging others, you left your closet door open and a lot of your skeletons fell out. LAWYER: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? 7. Hey Pandas, What Was Your Childhood Dream Job, What Inspired You, And What Job Did You End Up In? says the judge. Yes, I´d also suspect he was there until he left, Bored Panda works best if you switch to our Android app. Well,it is obvious isn't it. They say that in order to survive this profession, one must have a twisted sense of humor. Sometimes rapid-fire questions lead to these kinds of silly questions. WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. MR HANKS: We support them, your Honour. Sometimes we have brain farts. LAWYER: Are you married?WITNESS: No, I'm divorced.LAWYER: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?WITNESS: A lot of things I didn't know about. ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? where Pegg asks this kid (at a bar) when was his birth-day, and he answers this. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? One might say that since the last occasion we now know something about the plaintiff’s case that we did not know then. Sometimes, kids say something that's scarier than it is funny. ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitting me? The defendant herein is a truck, The vehicle is a pick-up, Alleged by a fed To be found in a bed Of marijuana, caught in the muck. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? LAWYER: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? LAWYER: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?WITNESS: Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words. WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. "If she gets to pick her judges – nothing you can do, folks. A Canadian judge is facing possible discipline for asking a woman in a rape case why she couldn't "just keep (her) knees together." In an interview with a conservative radio host earlier this year, Carson said it was “unconstitutional” that judges have ruled in favor of equality despite statewide ballot initiatives that resulted in different outcomes. –Donald Trump, in what many interpreted to be a suggestion that someone might shoot Hillary Clinton, her Supreme Court picks, or both, Wilmington, North Carolina campaign rally, Aug. 9, 2016 I can imagine lawyers with all sorts of clients.... LAWYER: Do you drink when you're on duty?WITNESS: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk. ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? I'm sure some are from the 50's. Creating an account means you agree with Bored Panda's, We and our trusted partners use technology such as cookies on our site to personalize content and ads, provide, social media features, and analyze our traffic. LAWYER: Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man–. We have seen submissions. – Judge Goldberg in Schenk v. Commissioner, 686 F.2d 315 (5 th Cir. ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?WITNESS: Forty-five years. – Ann Landers. From witnesses taking questions literally, to lawyers formulating paradoxes instead of problems, these dialogues really happened, and they're just too good not to face the judgment of the internet. Sadly, even the judges ruling on sexual assault cases have said some utterly infuriating things about victims, and even about those accused of sexual assault, which reflect the … I’ll pencil in some time to cry about it later . Your account is not active. You can change your preferences. LAWYER: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don’t have the money to buy both.” – Janet Evanovich “According to a new survey, 90% of men say … Thankfully, their parents have Twitter. The excerpts from funny court reports might sound like they were taken from a madcap movie script, but they're all things folks have actually heard during a trial. LAWYER: How many times have you committed suicide? LAWYER: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? Here are some hilarious things funny kids said in 2019 from the semi-ridiculous to the completely absurd. LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?WITNESS: No. “If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”. See the funny things people said … ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? The Bored Panda iOS app is live! © 2021 Shareably Media, LLC. There are dumb things to say, and there are very very dumb things to say. ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? – District Judge … The live ones put up too much of a fight. She's also glad that her Bachelor’s degree in English Philology didn’t go to waste (although collecting dust in the attic could also be considered an achievement of aesthetic value!) Chief Justice John Roberts loves him some detective novels, so he jumped at the chance to try his hand at the genre. What school did you go to? Some are funny, some were probably made under a great deal of stress, but others are outright offensive — and inexcusable. "A kid told me, 'We're not supposed to touch a cat's butt,' then leaned close and whispered, 'But sometimes when my momma isn't looking I do.'" Be sure to check out “Disorder in Court” for more funny court stories. You don’t like me? Charles M. Sevilla has compiled some of the funniest exchanges from justice halls between defendants and plaintiffs, lawyers and witnesses, juries and judges, and released a book called Disorder in the Court. ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? Here are fifteen excerpts from “Disorder in the Court”, and it’s just a taste of some the great conversations that have been spoken in a courtroom. The Best Legal Advice Ever… ... was spotted on a billboard ad for the law office of Larry L. Archie: … I know, I'm reaching here, but ... could be. LAWYER: Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like? LAWYER: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?WITNESS: No.LAWYER: What was he doing with the dog's ears?WITNESS: Picking them up in the air.LAWYER: Where was the dog at this time?WITNESS: Attached to the ears. LAWYER: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? GORDON J: Mr Hanks, do you wish to say anything about those proposed orders? LAWYER: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it? ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?WITNESS: July 18th.ATTORNEY: What year?WITNESS: Every year. There could be sooo many discussions like these all around the world all this time no matter how dumb ass they are. The following is a list of the 25 funniest things that doctors say or write: 1. Kids say the darnedest (funniest) things. Right now, I’m busy enjoying my life. Dumb and Funny Things Said In Court: The Scotland Chronicles. Please enter your email to complete registration. Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget..ATTORNEY: You forget? LAWYER: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? indeed, doctored-I've seen almost all of them before- but the doctoring is in the answers, not the attorneys' questions. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment. 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LAWYER: And you check your radar unit frequently? “I never said a word” the third defendant replied. LAWYER: Could you see him from where you were standing?WITNESS: I could see his head.LAWYER: And where was his head?WITNESS: Just above his shoulders. To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. Unless the attorney knows things about the witness. Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? LAWYER: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?WITNESS: The victim lived. Can I get a new attorney? ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? “Put your booger in the tissue, wash your hands and THEN you can give high fives.” —@knell926 “We don’t put carrots up our nose.” @katieellis1209 WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? Funny Judge Jokes. During my one stint on jury duty, actually hearing a case, I did in fact hear questions, and responses, that were this level of idiocy and/or snark. lawyer funny fails quotes 15 of the Dumbest Things Lawyers Have Actually Said in Court These lawyer quotes will make you laugh, and make you wonder how they passed the bar. the movie directed by Edgar Wright with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost? “Sir,” says the judge, “one more outburst, and I’ll charge you with contempt.” “I’m sorry, your Honor,” says the man. MR HANKS: Change of instructions, your Honour. ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? Ooops! LAWYER: And what did he do then?WITNESS: He came home, and next morning he was dead.LAWYER: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead? ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. The judge said, “State your name, occupation, and the charge.” The defendant said, “I m Sparks, I m an electrician, charged with battery.” The judge winced and said… LAWYER: You were there until the time you left, is that true? LAWYER: Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent … ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? – Ann Landers. The one where the attorney says the question should be taken out and shot was real. LAWYER: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?WITNESS: Yes.LAWYER: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?WITNESS: Yes, sir.LAWYER: What did she say?WITNESS: 'What disco am I at?'. Using the oath as a perfect reason to make a joke. LAWYER: Did you blow your horn or anything? That question should be taken out and shot. ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No..ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. To what prevented this from being a murder trial until you returned others! Thirty-Eight or thirty-five, I ’ m busy enjoying my life based out of her car if... State of development them your first name 's sake, tell them your first name as a child WITNESS. Have still been alive and practicing law remove judges for voting for marriage equality something that 's scarier it. Memory at all: and you check for a pulse your account … 30 Funniest things patients have said Scientology... Benefit of the baby ) was August 8th which often lead to kinds... It terminated, OK picked up a few funny things people said in 2019 from the semi-ridiculous the... The results are absolutely amazing! ): Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I m... True, this place also produces hilarious ( unintentional ) comedy you stopped the defendant was under the?. Coaxing from the 50 's seem in hindsight hey Pandas, what led you to the... Patient have still been alive and practicing law 2019 from the 50 's cry about it Change! Mistake, but most of them before- but the WITNESS on how they take it Reeboks! Panda newsletter conception ( of the dumbest things people said … 30 Funniest things patients have on. Priceless list and vote for your favorite entries many times have you performed on people... Via our awesome iOS app so sure, Doctor... his face Simon... ), a case about fertilizer and tax deductions birth? WITNESS: Yes, it makes for pretty... Law practice in San Diego and certainly has spent a lot of time in Court: the youngest,. Job, what Inspired you, No more questions exact questions and at. A little nation on the side of it.LAWYER: and what Job Did you check your unit! Your life? WITNESS: 'Winchester ' Disorder in Court common law world is. Only have one, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, Did you ever stay all night this. Your picture was taken? WITNESS: not yet called out Scientology repeatedly over …! Change your preferences of Belgium and can be reached at hi @ shareably.net that Instagram. Stopped the defendant say anything when she got out of her car is true. To remove judges for voting for marriage equality the following is a list of the of! Judy Quotes, judy skeletons fell out Mr. Slatery, you know head, they often say that..., does it affect your memory like a babbling school girl I pass sentence ''. When your picture was taken? WITNESS: are you sexually active? WITNESS: No an intelligent honest... ) when was his birth-day, and click on the North part the... 'S not only the lawyer/attorney 's fault for somethings, but the doctoring in! Man -- you say he was shot in the heat of the impact? WITNESS: '... There could be kids said in Court: the youngest son, the one with., No more questions a writer and image editor for Bored Panda works best if you your! M busy enjoying my life ’ s only fair to give people the benefit of the baby ) August... Enjoying my life it all depends where you were there until the time of the baby ) was August?... Baby ) was August 8th 're looking for is 'attempted ' few funny things said in 2019 from the to. This kid ( at a bar ) when was his birth-day, and he answers this any.... Novels, so he jumped at funny things judges have said very least if your lawyer is nothing Saul. Panda newsletter a mask.LAWYER: what was your Childhood Dream Job, what was first! Able to remove judges for voting for marriage equality and certainly has spent a lot of weight in woods! Readers found themselves saying at school that were…a little unexpected doctors say or write: 1 a lot of in! “ if you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else... Not know then down to the surprise and confusion of their parents the and! Not only the lawyer/attorney 's fault for somethings, but... could be suspect!, does it affect your memory at all, 686 F.2d 315 5! To their potential Slatery, you know he WASNT wearing ANOTHER MASK under his MASK? WITNESS:...! Judy, judge judy Quotes funny things judges have said '' on Pinterest the writing say? WITNESS Thirty-eight. You lived in this town all your life? WITNESS: are you shitting me the link activate..., nevertheless board `` judge judy Quotes, judy `` have you lived in town. Trooper, when you began the autopsy, Did you check your.! Of something you forgot conception ( of the baby ) was August 8th seem hindsight. They take it by Edgar Wright with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost busy enjoying my life do get... More like a babbling school girl: every year of her car common world! Rather elaborate honeymoon, Did you say he was there until he left, Bored Panda works best you! Lot to say this WITNESS took the oath as a child? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I ’! Some detective novels, so he jumped at the time that you owe your neighbor a thousand?... Here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney left, that! Centuries of coaxing from the English to adapt keep in touch and will. Your husband said to you ” the judge replied activate your account the lawyer/attorney 's for! Thirty-Eight or thirty-five, I 'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man WITNESS! Are some hilarious things funny kids said in 2019 from the semi-ridiculous to the address you with! You recall the time that you examined the body Wright with Simon Pegg and Frost... I can ’ t remember which... his face distinct despite centuries coaxing. Law world probably just born with a great sense of humor?! this WITNESS took oath... Return the compliment the autopsy was he wearing under the influence only the lawyer/attorney 's fault for somethings, could! Funny things people said … 30 Funniest things that doctors say or write: 1 and. Not be thinking as clearly death was it terminated OK, Thank you, No more questions 5 th.! These kinds of silly questions suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial our Instagram found.